The State of Confusion

Since I retired, I have been contemplating frequently, if I am doing everything as I am supposed to do to avoid retirement blues. I am fearful of doing nothing and slowly degenerating into a vegetative state. I am guessing most retired people go thru this phase of thinking, or maybe I am hypersensitive about being inactive since I’ve been active most of my life. It is a very personal feeling. I have not heard many other retired people expressing this fear but have seen retired people live thru that phase of life and that is terrifying. 

We all have our fears, some known, some unknown. My foremost fear is becoming dependent on anyone in my lifetime. I have worked hard and long so that I don’t have to depend on anyone physically, mentally, or financially. But circumstances and life situations can shatter our dreams and plans and throw us into turmoil that is beyond our control. If such a thing happens, of course, I will accept it. But if something happens when it was under my control and didn’t do anything to avoid the situation that will be the most dreadful moment of my life. 

Lately, I’ve been in that state of confusion. After much reflection, concluded that this fear of the unknown happens as we enter every new phase of our life, generally every decade; but it is more prominent now because there is less chaos happening in my life and there is more time to give it a thought. 

We all experience a state of confusion in every new phase of our life at varying levels but recognize only when it has a direct impact on our psyche or life. When my friend Prakash was about to turn 50, he started talking about spirituality, and pilgrimage and became an ardent follower of Shiva. I have seen some close friends and family members how they went into a different state of mind but mostly the state of confusion. We are always searching for ways to make our life meaningful as long as we live, hence the fear of dependency. Not being relevant or meaningful brings hopelessness that can cause mental health issues of its own. 

So the fight continues to stay relevant and meaningful. Now I am constantly searching for ways to stay physically, and mentally active. To start 2023 with a big bang, I have already planned activities for 2023, which include acting in a play after a long gap, producing a Take 2 Creations film, writing a couple of film scripts, and traveling to another continent. Giving a clear direction to the state of confusion. 

I have miles to go before I sleep.

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