Lately, I have noticed that more people are suffering from mental health issues than I have ever seen in my life, including many in my network of friends and family. Sometimes I feel like others might be thinking about me like that as well.
We want to be Wanted. Our desire, to be wanted, stems from our ancestral past, where belonging to a community was for survival. In prehistoric times, ostracism from the tribe could lead to isolation, vulnerability, and even death. Therefore, our brains evolved to reward us for social connection and acceptance, making us crave validation from others. This innate need to be wanted has served us well throughout our evolutionary journey, ensuring our survival and perpetuation.
The human mind is one of the most fascinating and complex living and breathing things ever. We still don’t know how to treat it well, if at all. Scientists know some of its patterns and chemical reactions but how it thinks and how to alter that thinking scientifically or medically is still beyond human control. That’s why most thought-grooming is done through psychological training of the mind. Watch this vlog on The Brain Theory, which I created a couple of years back.
Humans are social creatures, wired for connection and belonging. We crave acceptance and validation from others, a desire deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. As social mammals, we thrive on forming bonds and relationships, and our sense of self is shaped by the feedback we receive from others. The need to-be-wanted serves as a powerful motivator, driving us to seek attention, approval, and affirmation.
Our brains are equipped with a complex reward system, largely orchestrated by the neurotransmitter dopamine. This system is activated when we engage in activities that promote our survival and well-being, such as eating, socializing, and reproducing. The dopamine release creates a sense of pleasure and satisfaction, reinforcing the behavior and encouraging its repetition.
The need to-be-wanted taps into this reward system, stimulating the release of dopamine when we receive acceptance and validation from others. Our brains learn to associate positive emotions with being wanted, making us crave the feeling of belonging and acceptance and in return, this craving becomes our addiction just like for a drug, smoking, or drinking.
The need to be wanted manifests in various psychological aspects of our lives, influencing our self-esteem, our fear of rejection, and our engagement in social media. Self-esteem refers to our overall sense of self-worth, our belief in our values and capabilities. For some individuals, self-esteem can be fragile and dependent on external validation. They seek approval from others to bolster their sense of self, basing their self-worth on the opinions and judgments of others. This reliance on external validation can lead to a constant pursuit of approval, and an endless cycle of seeking validation to maintain self-esteem.
Though, the fear of rejection is a powerful motivator, driving us to conform to social norms and seek acceptance, however, when this need for acceptance is not met, we may experience feelings of loneliness, isolation, and insecurity. This can lead to negative coping mechanisms such as people-pleasing, self-doubt, and anxiety. Often repeated rejections or disapprovals may cause other mental health issues like depression and severe anxiety.
This validation, approval, fake feel-good appreciation, social media acceptance, and social attention all provide a temporary dose of a drug, like a shot of sugar; and this eventually creates a lifelong dependency on social acceptance. I’m sure you know a few people whose life’s happiness revolves around the number of likes and heart emojis on their postings. Social media-dependent people don’t like to receive feedback but only like to count their likes.
The human need to be wanted manifests in various ways throughout our lives. In childhood, we seek the love and approval of our parents and caregivers. As we grow older, we form friendships and romantic relationships, yearning for companionship, intimacy, and emotional support. Even in our professional lives, we desire recognition, appreciation, and a sense of belonging to a team or organization. I remember an employee in one of my previous jobs who constantly complained about how everything was wrong within the organization, and how he was not appreciated but he did not ever think about leaving the company despite my plea to leave, as his well-wisher. He was extremely hardworking, the most intelligent, knowledgeable employee in the department but he was at the dead end of his career path at this company. He still stayed there because he lacked the self-esteem and confidence to survive in a new environment. Also, he knew, he was wanted at this company by his colleagues and managers, knowing fully well that he would not make more money, or get promoted to a manager’s role but stayed for over 12 years.
Sometimes people get stuck in a position where they don’t want to be but stay in that undesirable situation because they feel they are wanted.
However, it is important to strike a balance between seeking validation from others and cultivating self-worth from within. While healthy relationships and social connections are essential, it is also crucial to develop a strong sense of self-acceptance and self-love. This involves recognizing our intrinsic value, regardless of external validation. This requires deep introspection and acceptance of your issues including a review of your childhood-inflicted emotional traumas, wrongful nurturing, and bad habits.
Here are some suggestions in no particular order (some may not apply to you) for nurturing self-worth and fulfilling the need to be wanted in healthy ways:
Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Pursue hobbies, interests, and passions that align with your values and make you feel alive.
Do more activities alone to remove dependencies. Like reading, painting, going for a walk, a movie, a dinner, or a trip alone.
To practice self-acceptance, go sit in a crowded place alone, enjoy doing your own thing, and feel comfortable in uncomfortable surroundings.
Earn real praise and attention – Participate in activities where there is no known person around.
Pay attention to your attention-seeking behavior in a group. Are you the loudest person? Are you speaking the most? Are you jumping into everyone’s conversation? Are you running after every photo opportunity? Ask yourself why.
Look at your social media activities. Are you counting your likes every morning? Do you feel an urge to post your pictures every day? Are you having a FOMO effect every time you see someone else’s post? If yes, it’s time to address your dependency on others’ acceptance.
Nurture meaningful relationships. Surround yourself with supportive, positive individuals who appreciate and value you for who you are.
Discard relationships where you constantly receive negative vibes.
Accept your flaws and shortcomings to correct them. Hiding or not accepting usually causes the issues discussed earlier.
Practice self-compassion. Be kind and understanding towards yourself, especially when facing challenges or setbacks.
Celebrate your “real” accomplishments. Recognize and acknowledge your achievements, no matter how small they may seem.
Recognize the difference between real and fake appreciation. Value real appreciation and feedback. Don’t get carried away with fake appreciation.
Cultivating self-worth and nurturing healthy connections can fulfill your need to be wanted in ways that promote overall well-being and happiness.
Last but not least, Seek professional help if needed. If you struggle with persistent feelings of loneliness, insecurity, or low self-esteem, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor. Here is a great resource for you. (this is not an Ad or a paid promotion. I liked it hence sharing it.)
Take 2 Creations 
Yes. This hits the point.
Thank you for writing this.
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