We all say this but don’t practice it – we can’t change others, we still keep on trying to change others. It is so difficult to change yourself not to change others. I fall in the same trap. I’ve been told that I preach others but don’t follow my own preaching. So this week after a ten-day vacation trip, I did a lot of introspection and found that i need to change myself.
I realized that I have stopped growing suddenly, without any reason. My wild guess is that laziness has sunk in. I find the only way for me to grow is to change. It’s not the change that helps me grow but the journey to change is what helps me grow. For example, I know that my certain social behavior is not right and I have to modify my behavior to be a nicer person and not to come across as an obnoxious, grumpy old man. So to change my social behavior, first I have to convince my other side of the brain there is something wrong with my behavior. Now, in reality, this is the hardest step in the process of changing myself. I usually have several wars between my brain cells and eventually when my logical mind is convinced that it is a problem then only my emotional mind agrees to do anything about it. but both minds are so set in their ways, it takes them months to open my change file, like a federal bureaucracy of a country.
Once the file is opened, it takes several analysts and engineers within my mind to perform the root cause analysis to figure out where the real problem lies. And they work day and night to get to the root of the problem. Once the problem is diagnosed, which generally points to my upbringing, age or genes; then the issue arises how to fix it. It then takes several engineers to either replace the defective cells if the problem is only skin deep, months of retraining of cells to reprogram them or sometimes they just issue a “certificate of genetic defect” to use if anyone questions my behavior.
So in a nutshell, change is not easy, it takes months and months of concerted effort to make one behavioral change and when our minds are filled with defective parts, we have to prioritize what is important in life and which change can be most effective in improving our lives. That is why we haven’t found a perfect person because one lifetime is not enough to fix everything. Every person on this earth has some defect somewhere that needs to be fixed.
If we cannot change us, how can we imagine changing others? So if you are in a relationship of any kind and you are trying to change the other person above the age of say 25, stop. It’s not your job or capability to change someone else. However, you can always influence someone’s thinking through your words, or actions but change comes only from inside. So i have decided not to try to change anyone, or expect them to change; either accept them as is or change myself to accept them as is. Change me is the word.